Financial Woes = Growth Opportunity

So, money and I have never been close. That's an understatement! My money problems began way back in high school when I got my first job. I had no concept of budgeting and spent all my paychecks from the Track at Olive Garden, the movies, and taking my siblings out on extravagant dates. And then when it was time to pay car insurance, I'd have to scramble and somehow explain to my parents where my money went. The problem was, the money was so elusive. There one minute; gone the next.

Fast forward 14 years. I have a successful career, a good home, yet I still struggle to make ends meet. And that is SO frustrating. It is the ONE area I struggle to trust God with. It is the one thing in my life that can completely CONSUME my mind. "What if I did this...?" "What if I worked here...?" "What if I cut out...?" "What if I went back to school?" "What if I was married?" SO many questions and What IF situations...

I hate it.

And the more I ask myself questions, the more I get LOST in my own head. And the outside world becomes muffled around me and all I can think about is money and how there is never enough and then I play with numbers and my mind races with figures and hypothetical situations and then my shoulders become tense and my head pounds and the sum of it all makes me just want to run away.

Of course, all of this only explodes within my head when things are out of MY control and when things don't go as I planned them. The truth is, right now, my plans are SHOT. In my head, I would have magically obtained a roommate as soon as my former roommate Michelle moved to China, so that it wouldn't have inconvenienced me in the slightest. She moved at the end of July. And here we are...over half way finished with September...and still no roommate. Which makes me about $200 short per month, and that's cutting a lot of "stuff" out. I know $200 doesn't sound like a lot of money and in the grand scheme of things it isn't. But when that's gas money or grocery money or money that allows me to buy snacks for my classroom...it IS a big deal. And no matter how much I play with numbers, I don't have the POWER to create $200... I've done what I can on my side of things: I've networked, advertised, cut back, etc.

And YET. Two simple words that give me hope. And YET...God is Here. He is very much HERE, and in ALL of this, He is drawing me close to Him. Because I have tried, tried and TRIED to figure things out and there's just no way. So after all the growth of this summer, this is the ONE area God is calling me to trust Him in this fall. It is scary because it is the ONE area I have a hard time giving up control.

And SO. And so I am choosing to TRUST in Him. I was convicted the other night that so much WORRY without presenting to God is SIN, plain and simple. And so I LET go. I am choosing to trust in Him. I am putting myself in a position that is extremely vulnerable, humbling, and HARD to be in.

 YET, at the same time, there's a part of me that is excited that I am in a position to be desperately dependent on the Lord. It is a very sweet place to be. Not only that, but I am in a position where God can bless me through other people. I don't know what that looks like right now, but I feel PEACE about everything. It doesn't seem wise, and it sure as heck doesn't sound reasonable, but I am choosing to trust that God will PROVIDE. I know without a DOUBT that I won't go hungry these next few months. Things might be tight for a while but I know that all my needs will be met. And I am choosing to trust for my daily bread. And for now that is enough.